I am paying 500 dollars (which I am barely scraping together) for a security certification, because I am too socially anxious to handle bartending right now, it would just make me hate everyone. I would DREAD work every night. But bartending would be the “smart” choice. I NEED to network in order to succeed in the music industry. But my total lack of self-confidence and self-love, and the subsequent inability to “network”, or “perform” confidently, is keeping me from reaching anywhere near my potential as an artist, as a businessman, as a human being. My knowledge of this fact is torturing me at every turn, if you listen closely enough you might just hear that voice inside of my head saying “with your talent and your looks and your intelligence, you would be on your way to the life you’ve been dreaming of, if you weren’t such a failure on such a fundamental level.” Living with that voice - a voice which has only gotten louder since I moved to NY, is making me insane. It hurts more than words can describe to feel simultaneously so talented and so useless. I won’t give up, that’s why I dragged myself to NYC, that’s one of two primary reasons I am in therapy. But every day just hurts, the pressure, my ambition, my competition, God I hope this treatment works. I need a miracle. Please, God. Help me get through this.